It’s not always easy for people to set boundaries or limits. It can feel selfish or unkind. Neither of which is true, by the way.
Others will often appreciate knowing where your line is. Knowing about your boundaries can even help them set their own.
Most important: Becoming a pro at setting boundaries will help you feel happier and healthier.1 Use this guide to learn why setting boundaries is important, how to know if yours are working and how to put them in place.
What’s a personal boundary?
Everybody knows what a physical boundary is. Think about the row of trees you’ve planted between your house and your neighbor’s. Or the lines on a basketball court.
But when it comes to your personal life, boundaries are often hard to see.
So, what are personal boundaries? They’re the limits you set for yourself to keep balance in your life.2
In the same way a physical boundary protects your property, personal boundaries can help protect you, your time, energy, ideas and values. Boundaries are about deciding what behavior you will and won’t accept from others. They’re also about learning how to value yourself as much as you value your friends, family and co-workers.2
Different kinds of personal boundaries
Everyone has different person boundaries. These are the rules we set to feel safe and respected. Here are five important ones.
- Physical and sexual boundaries. These are about your body and personal space. It means deciding who can touch you, how they touch you and when.
- Emotional boundaries. These are about feelings. It means knowing when to help others with their problems and when to take care of yourself first.
- Intellectual boundaries. These are about your thoughts and opinions. It means being okay with having your own ideas and respecting other people’s ideas too.
- Property boundaries. These are about your things, like clothes, phone or car. It means deciding who can use your stuff and how they treat it.
- Boundaries around time and availability. These are about how you spend your time. It means choosing how much time you give to work, family and friends.
Benefits of healthy boundaries
Boundaries are key to supporting your physical and emotional well-being. When you set limits that help you succeed, it shows that your needs are important. That, in turn, boosts self-esteem. Self-esteem is how good you feel about yourself.2
Healthy boundaries match your goals and values and don’t hurt others.
For example, you might have a limit around how others in your life can treat you. This helps you know when you might need time apart from someone for your well-being. Having a healthy boundary around your time allows you the space to take care of yourself physically and mentally.2
Dangers of weak or unhealthy boundaries
If you don’t have strong personal boundaries, it can hurt your body and your feelings.3
For example, if you say “yes” to too much work even when you’re already busy, you might feel tired, grump or stressed out.
One weak or missing boundary can cause problems in other parts of your life too.
Let’s say you have a friend who takes up a lot of your time. Maybe they call a lot or ask for help all the time. You might not have enough time left for your family or for taking care of yourself. If you let them go beyond your limits, it could mess with your sleep, your mood or even how well you do at work or school.
Another problem with weak boundaries is that people may take advantage of you. If you don’t clearly say what kind of behavior is OK with you, others might treat you badly.3 That’s not your fault. But having strong boundaries can help protect you.
Also, if your boundaries aren’t clear, you might start to feel like your feelings don’t matter. You might say “yes” too much, get too tired and then feel bad when you can’t do everything. This can make you feel worse about yourself over time.
Why boundaries can be hard to set
Setting boundaries might sound easy in theory. No more volunteering to take on extra tasks? Done. An end to hours-long talks with your neighbor about her divorce? Check.
But setting limits can be hard, and it takes practice to get good at it.
Some people find it tough to say “no” or set limits. Here are a few reasons why:
- You don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings. You might worry that saying “no” will make someone feel bad. That’s normal. But if you always put their feelings first, you might forget to take care of yourself.
- You want everyone to like you. You might worry that saying “no” will make someone feel bad. That’s normal. But if you always put their feelings first, you might forget to take care of yourself.
- You feel nervous talking about your limits. Telling someone your boundaries can be awkward or scary. But it’s important to speak up when something doesn’t feel right.
- You’re not sure what your boundaries are. If you don’t know what’s important to you, it’s hard to explain it to others. Taking time to think about what matters to you can help.
How to set healthy boundaries and gain some peace
Setting boundaries doesn’t have to be hard or scary. Here are some tips to put into practice.
Pick a boundary you can stick to
Don’t make a rule that’s too hard to follow. Things like saying “I’ll never work on weekends again.” That might be too much. Instead, try something more realistic like: “I’ll take two weekends off from work every month.”
Also, think about your personality when setting boundaries. If you’re naturally a “workaholic,” you might still think about work even when you’re not working. projects So, try to make a boundart that helps you feel calm, not stressed.
Try something like: “I won’t check my phone after dinner unless I have a big project. If that’s the case, I’ll only check it once to feel better.”
Stick to the big stuff
Don’t fall into the trap of setting limits on stuff that doesn’t matter. Too many limits can be too much and make your life worse.
Instead, set limits for the most important things in your life and add more if you need to.
Focus on what makes you happy and work backward from there
Look for the high point in your day. Maybe you feel incredible when you find time to jog, read a book, hang out with the family, listen to a podcast or just relax in the bath.
That’s where boundaries come in. They save your time for important things, so you don’t have to wonder where the day went.
Get personal with your values
Sometimes, our idea of what’s important can get caught up in what others want for us. Think about what you need and what you value to help you set boundaries
Consider the relationship when setting a boundary
Your limits will change based on the situation and who is involved. You’ll have different rules with your coworker than with your spouse.
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Be clear and consistent
Once you’ve set your boundaries, be clear and consistent in communicating them to others. And don’t be scared to speak up when someone crosses your boundaries.4
The good news? Most people will respect your limits and appreciate knowing them. It takes the burden off guessing what you are and aren’t comfortable with.
Summary
Only you can decide what limits you set in life. Other people don’t have to like or agree with your boundaries.
And your limits might be completely different from someone else’s. That’s OK. Remember, you can change your mind at any time. Boundary setting is flexible. Just make sure to communicate clearly with those around you. And keep in mind that respecting boundaries is a two-way street.
Being open and curious about the boundaries of others might even help you figure out your own.